P[e]NORAMA

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There are times when Time and Change team up to trick us. Instead of its usual slow pace, Change would come to us so drastically and without warning. This it does while Time sneaks up on us. Before we know it, Change has descended all too suddenly and has imposed itself upon us, upsetting the order of our life and its weight sending us struggling to regain balance.

 

 

We generally don’t like drastic changes because they often catch us unprepared and cause us severe discomfort. But drastic changes, especially those produced by split-second moments and which we have not seen coming, are often the most meaningful and have the greatest impact on us. Take sudden death of a loved one. Or sudden change in our environment. Or in our lifestyle. Or even as simple as in our schedule.

 

In the past months, drastic change too descended upon me. But it was not the kind of change that Fate throws upon an unsuspecting soul. In fact, Fate did not have a hand in it at all. Or perhaps it did, albeit indirectly, by giving me the inspiration and good reasons to employ change. But the work, it was all my doing. I contemplated on inviting, and making way, for change. I prepared myself for it. And I willed it to happen.

 

In the past three months, I endeavored to change some of my decades-old habits and perceived limitations. It was difficult and I wasn’t sure I’d succeed. Like vice, established behavior is never easy, well nigh impossible, to change. But I succeeded.

 

 

Change 1: Learning to Cook

 

Not so long ago, I was such a lousy cook. So lousy that my brothers never trusted me in the kitchen. I was so bad at it that I would never endeavor to cook. In fact, I never owned a stove.

 

But the cooked food available in restaurants and carinderias is becoming less and less healthy. Lately, my brother and I started craving for healthier options. So slowly, I contemplated on cooking our food myself.

 

So I endeavored to learn to cook. First it was just boiling vegetables. And then trying the dinengdeng. Then pinakbet. Then some other dishes. I still don’t cook every night. Cooking is time consuming and I don’t have much time to consume. There’s always work for me to do. But at least three times a week, there is now healthy food for me and my brother.

 

What’s so good about it is that, where before I would feel embarrassed serving the food I cooked because I was sure it wasn’t good, now I no longer have that anxiety. I know my cooking is good and there’s no point for me to be embarrassed about it.

 

 

Change 2. Waking Up Early

 

I was, for years, a nocturnal person. I used to write at night until the wee hours of the morning. On weekends, I used to sleep at 6 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon after writing nonstop the night before. On weekdays, I usually woke at 10am.

 

I was very productive when I worked at night. The night has an inspiring effect on me. So many ideas come to my mind and writing is so easy.

 

Lately, though, I decided, I should try to wake up early and work at dawn. For three months now, I’ve been working following that system. I sleep at 9:30pm and wake up and work at 4:00am. It was a drastic change, indeed. Something I never thought I’d be able to do, ever.

 

 

Change 3. Reporting for work early.

 

For two weeks now, I have been reporting for work early. My officemates have been shocked at the change. But when I explained I had been working on changing my sleeping pattern for two months already before endeavoring to do the next step — that is, reporting for work early — they were very supportive. So where before I usually arrived at the office at lunch time or just after lunch, sometimes even as late as 3:00pm (I used to do my writing at home because I couldn’t write at the office), these days I am already at work between 8:00 and 8:30am on days I should be there. At 3:00pm, I already call it a day. That means I now have more time with my sweetie, who by the time I arrive home at 4pm, is already awaiting for me.

 

To the normal folks, these changes I call drastic seem so normal and easy. But for those who know me and know how hard these things are for me to do — they consider it a miracle.

 

In fact, I had been not sure I’d succeed. I just wanted to, felt I needed to, do these changes. And so I endeavored… hard.

 

Now, it comes so much easier to do these things. As easy now as writing in Ilocano [It may be recalled that until 2007, I did not think I’d ever learn to write in Ilocano. I just challenged myself to write in my native language that I eventually learned to write in it. It was difficult at first as well because I lacked vocabulary. Good thing the usual problems by beginners like spelling and orthography weren’t a problem with me because I had always read Ilocano and I was very observant with spelling].

 

Having succeeded with these latest challenges I imposed upon myself, I can’t help feeling happy. Please indulge me. After all, it’s not easy to beat decades-old habits and weaknesses. Moreover, not everyone can — and will — endeavor to do the things he or she hates doing.

 

Sometimes, I look back at the past three months I struggled to try to change and even the months before that and I can’t help wondering that perhaps, I’ve been tricked into doing all these changes. Which leads me back to my opening paragraph where I claimed that Fate did not have a hand in these changes that have come to possess me. That everything was my doing. I think that I’m right in saying that.

 

But I sometimes suspect that there is another factor in the equation — and that’s where I think I’ve been tricked. Tricked into wanting to change. Into wanting to become better. And tricked into not resenting being tricked. Tricked into feeling good I’ve been tricked.

 

And when I think that way, there is only one I could think of who could have done these things to me. Or could have made me want these things. And that is my Sweetie. The Clever One. Knowing I’d resent being made to do things, he slowly inspired me; and thus inspired, I worked to fight my habits for my own sake.

 

Ah, I am getting confused. But it’s alright. Tricked or not, I like it that I tried to fight these “limitations’ that just a few months ago, seemed so impossible to change.

 

Success does taste sweet. More so now, because once again, I have beaten my toughest opponent — myself.

 

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//Sherma E. Benosa

17 June 2010; 2:38pm

 

Image borrowed from http://www.pdphoto.org/PictureDetail.php?mat=pdef&pg=6330